I'm Not Perfect.

I'm naturally competitive.

It's just the way I am. Whether I'm playing a sport, or taking a test, or comparing myself to others, I'm constantly wanting to be better. Sometimes it can be a good thing. It helps me strive to be better and better. But- it can also be my downfall.

Sometimes I get too caught up in being the best, and perfect, that I lose myself. I start inwardly insulting myself over and over again, until the point where I'm doing things I shouldn't in order to be the best at whatever I'm doing.

So where does God fit into all of this?

See, that's the thing. He doesn't.

When I get into my "competitive mode", I sort of shove everything else aside. Even God. Especially God. Because I know that when I'm in this really good place with God, I can't do the things I want to do because guilt eats at me constantly.

I know I need to change. And I'm working on it. I have to focus on being happy with the way God made me. My personality, my body, my IQ. I have to be content with it. There's nothing wrong with striving to be better, but when it comes to the point that I'm leaving behind my set of morals, I know it's time to take a step back.

Part of the reason I'm so competitive is because- it's what people expect of me. People expect me to always look great, get good grades, be a "good" person, because that's the reputation I've built for myself. But the thing is, I'm not perfect. I don't always look beautiful, I don't always get an A, and I'm certainly not always the role model person. But no one really is.

I know I need to turn to God, and ask for forgiveness for the things I've been doing.